eh

things are way too emotional right now for me to be spilling them all over this blog. plus my stupid blog keeps trying to piss me off by refusing to pop up on my screen, saying that the "operation has been aborted." Of all the people that seem to be abandoning me lately, i honestly didnt think that my BLOG would be one of them (not that my blog is a person or anything..). Anyyways, i probably won't be posting any more personal blogs on here. I've decided that the best way for me to deal with my problems is to just keep them inside. Because no matter how i try to talk about them, they always get twisted into some other ridiculous notion of how everyone else views my life. I'm not trying to bore you with any of my problems, or what one of my friends likes to call my "jesus freak" issues; again, NOT helping the situation. Because it's pretty obvious that nobody cares enough to completely listen. Actually, I take that back. There is one person that i actually feel i can really talk to about anything. It's thanks to that person that I've basically been able to make it through the past week. Unfortunately, I don't get to talk to that person very often. So i guess for now, I'm going to have to try to be my own biggest fan... wonder how that'll turn out.

I'm sorry...

So to all the people I've ever disappointed in my life, I'd just like to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry to my parents, my family, my friends, my teachers, and anyone else who's ever felt betrayed by me. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect; that I have a hard time dealing with my anxiety; that i don't live up to the standards that I constantly feel like people are setting for me; and that I'm such an apparent nuisance. I'm sorry that I'll never go to business school and become a successful, wealthy accountant in New York City, or even Boston. I'm sorry that I have a temper, and that I sometimes cannot control my anger. I'm sorry that I happen to have the worst possible choice of words at the worst times. I'm sorry that for some people, I just can't seem to live up to the definition of a trustworthy friend. I'm sorry that my dreams sometimes come before reality. I'm sorry that I'm not an amazing daughter/sister/friend. I'm sorry that my tendency to procrastinate has labeled me as such a lazy ass. I'm sorry that you feel the need to remind me multiple times a day of my supposed backwards lifestyle. I'm sorry that I'm not like you/her/them/anybody else. And I'm sorry that i feel the need to talk about my irrelevant feelings on this dumbass blog because I have for the most part, failed so many people in real life.

I will possess your heart

^ I've pretty much had that song stuck in my head all fucking day.

Sooo its like midnight, and i really should be sleeping. But for some strange ass reason i felt like writing a blog. And i don't even have anything to write about.

welp, today was a snow day. and i actually had a rather productive day. i spent a zillion hours studying for my precalc quiz, which i'll probably bomb anyways. andd i got tons of much needed sleep. although its starting to ware off now. <>

so i pretty much ate a pound of cookie dough today. sersly, that stuff is so effing addicting. i dont even know why people actually take the time to bake cookies when they can just eat it straight from the container. it tastes so much better, and it saves all that time it takes to wait for the stupid oven to preheat.

k well i better go to bed now, cause if i dont then ill be really tired and cranky tomorrow. and i'm not very likeable when im cranky. although some of the shit that i say when im cranky is pretty hilarious.

k, gnight world!

footprints

So this morning (well actually more like this afternoon), i woke up around 12ish. and idk why, but lately the first thing i do when i wake up is roll over and look out the window for a few minutes. anways, i was looking out the window and i looked over near the garden where Tuffy is burried, and i saw footprints in the snow leading from his grave to the house. andd im pretty sure nobody walked over there this morning. and there was only one set of footprints. there wasnt like a second set showing that somebody had walked there and then walked away. idk it just made me happy. like he's watching over me or something. maybe thats why i keep looking out my window, even if im not looking in his direction. idk its just hard. i mean this was the first christmas without him inspecting all of the presents under the tree, trying to make a maze out of all the boxes and wrapping paper laying around. <3